Budding Novelist Gifts

"Chapter One: Call me Scooter..."

"'The Girl Who Kicked Summer Vacation's Ass.'"

Book Shop: DYI section

'Actually, I haven't written it yet, I'm doing the promotional tour first, to see if being an author is the right career move for me!'

'Publisher recommends a good paper shredder.'

Knowing your audience

'Good news and bad. Your novel sticks but we'll publish it because stupid drivel sells.'

'I've got a great idea for a novel, but I'd hate to ruin it by putting it to paper.'

Everyone has a good novel inside them.

Library sections; Fiction, non-fiction and do-it-yourself.

'We recommend you not go on tour to promote your self-help investment book.'

"I've finally finished my lockdown novel."

'Who else have I written for? Ridge Park Avenue, 7th Street, Elm Road, Thornwood Drive...'

Vanity Publishing.

'Ah yes, your debut novel. What we need now is to get it typed, spellchecked, find a publisher... and yes - we're home and dried.'

'My client only committed the crime because of his burning ambition to write a book.'

"I've been toiling for months to write the great American tweet."

"It's amazing how you invested your lockdown time into writing this book, but it's utter drivel from beginning to end."

"I just got a huge advance for my first novel. It's about a writer who gets a huge advance for his first novel."

'We're pushing our do-it-yourself kit, today, sir - a ream of paper and a half-dozen pencils.'

'I think you've stinted on the sex.'

'Your book has a wonderful, timely quality. We're putting it on our list for a 2009 release.'

'Petey is making a graphic novel!'

Henry liked to read his work to the tennis wall before sending it to the editor.

Book signing cancelled due to writers block.

"Dear Author: Thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to reject your work."

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"Your book is a masterpiece, but, unfortunately, we're rather picky."

"Do you want to play doctorate?"

I should be a writer when I grow up...

'I love your playing....especially when you stop!'

"Abstract Expressionism is definitely right for me at this stage of my career."

Child drawing fish from life by putting his head in a pond.

'Can you tell me what I've written? I can't read!'

"I know its hard to believe right now, Lawrence, but some day you'll thank me for asking you to punctuate your sentences correctly."