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'It's carpal tunnel syndrome. You're going to have to quit your job working the bleep button for the Jerry Springer show.'

Cable Hell.

"THe ratings and the memes are off the charts!"

"Do you remember when the picture wasn't broadcasting properly last week? Viewers and critics are saying that was the most entertaining program we have broadcast in years."

'Please stand by -- we have temporarily lost our edge.'

"Get a move on Hardwicke, we need it for the 6 o'clock news!"

The problem is not in your set or at the station. That leaves only you, doesn't it?

"This is only a test. Had it been an actual emergency, we would have been long gone."

Audiovisual law

"Live in 30 – and remember, it's just weather. You don't have to make excuses for it."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

"Nope, I still only have one bar."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"New studies show that the so-called 'lucky man' made popular by the prog-rock band Emerson, Lake and Palmer was, in fact, just very well-connected."

"We end our Newscast with a happy story tonight."

"People of Earth – can everyone see my screen?"

Satellite Discovers Sell-by-Date on Planet Earth

'Your plasma screen TV needs a transfusion.'

Rudy Park Enterprises regrets to announce the end to a brief experiment aimed at combining the popular and irrepressible talk show phenomenon Sadie Cohen with a background beat of powerful and thrilling house music. In fact, our ratings soared during our experiment. Revenue shot up 17.5 percent. Advertisers loved it. Our decision to cancel the experiment in no way reflects any error of management. Rather, it was a raging success reflective of our forward thinking management. In the end, though,

Man from 'National Viewers and Listeners Association sits at work boxes titled; 'Switch on' and 'Switch off'.

'Following your 'barbecue summer' forecast, I'm revising predictions of your contract being reviewed.'

"We interrupt this advertisement to bring you another advertisement that has just been rushed to the studio."

"See! Thousands of new listeners."

If I survive this, I'm reinventing myself as a television pundit.

'I think I've found what's causing the radio's funny buzzing sound.'

"And now a word from our sponsors...ratings."

TV News. Multiple drenching thunderstorms are forming over the region. What's your weather segment lead-in? "There's a soaker born every minute!"

'Hang on a minute - I think there's something else down here!'

"Apparently it's demanding offerings."

How M2M really works.

No, I don't have roaming service, I am the roaming service.

'There's nothing wrong with the sound, lady, it's a Party Political broadcast, that's all.'

"No, no, the way you're shifting your papers - it's all wrong."

24-7 News Channel