British Healthcare Insights Pillows

"Of course you can have some respect sir, but we don't treat wounded pride!"

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'Just follow these simple instructions.'

Virtual Doctor

'When you've a minute could you design a new health infrastructure for the area with budget forecasts staffing requirements and job descriptions...tomorrow will do.'

'Pardon me, Doctor; but exactly where did you study anaesthesiology?'

Locum GP's to be paid for extra work on the BMA agreement

NHS targets.

'It's a brand new state-of-the-art waiting room.'

'These young doctors know nothing, I used to see 500 patients every day...'

"They used to call them G.P.s."

Annexe 8

"It's the hospital board performing surgery on the budget."

Death in the red zone

"We at MEGAPHARMA are 100% behind the benefits of 'talking therapies' which is why we've developed MEGAZYMOLIN to enhance the experience..."

"As I suspected, there's nothing wrong with you. But I'd like to keep ordering tests till something turns up."

'Is there a doctor in the house we can trust?'

Hospital: Accident and Emergency and On Purpose and Suffering Nicely.

'That does it. . . Little Freddie is not going to law school! He's going to become an oncologist, Mary a gerontologist and Stevie a pharmacist! We'll be covered!'

Health Foods

"His blood work doesn’t look half as bad as his HMO."

"It's little Pharma. Want some baby aspirin?"

"And he can make 347,000 home visits in one night!"

'Yours is an elective surgery, so we're still deciding if we feel like doing it or not.'

'I need you to open wide, Peel.' - 'Ahhh.' - 'Not your mouth, fool! Your wallet.' - 'Arghhh!' - 'Wider!' - 'Argh!'

'It's the new managements policy on how we persecute whistleblowers.'

'We need to make cuts...shall we start with the heart?'

'They said on the NHS an Afghan sling was the only thing available for a broken leg.'

"A low-level person who doesn't mean anything will see you now."

"Side effects include less visits by the grim reaper."

Hospital

'As far as I'm concerned all this talk of 'privatisation' is just a lot of media hype!'

Hewitt urges mor supermarkets to open surgeries.

'Your GP recommended Lovaza...but I thought we'd try a dose of meaningless platitudes followed by a course of unfulfilled promises.'

Elderly man on phone in bed - 'Press 1 if you have bed sores, Press 2 if you need to go to the toilet...'