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Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

Ed Flanders, Deconstruction Worker

'Look! The new long awaited, highly anticipated but ultimately disappointing novel by that guy you like.'

"Heads up! It's another tidal wave of overwrought critical hyperbole!"

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

"I'm torn, Randy. I don't know what to think." "About what, little buddy?" "Star Trek. The last movie got rave reviews. Critics and audiences loved it. Therefore, I loved it too. But it didn't come anywhere close to earning $1 billion at the box office. And these days, any movie that doesn't earn $1 billion is a complete failure. Therefore, I must hate it. I'm in limbo until the hive mind comes to a consensus." "Except for honey, nothing good ever comes from hives."

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"Be careful of that sun, Stewart. You're starting to look like the front page of the 'Times Book Review.'"

'Right so lets be clear, when you said my book was a turgid reworking of a sad collection of hackneyed ideas you actually meant that it was a groundbreaking work of originality and genius...'

'Mummy, the review of this book was more interesting.'

"It's a great story, funny and entertaining - and better still it's not won a single prize for literature."

No, no, Grok, we love your creative voice! Ort is just here to do a little punch-up.

A book reviewer reads between the margins.

'Is there a psychiatrist in the house - the cast is very depressed over opening night reviews!'

Book publishing.

Dog writes a review: 'A sublime book, I devoured it in one sitting ...'

"Which should we go see: the straight romantic comedy where the heroine's best friend is a gay man, or the gay romantic comedy where the hero's best friend is a straight woman?"

"Let's go on vacation, get disappointed, complain about prices, read terrible novels, buy trashy souvenirs, miss the dog and look forward to coming home."

The Music Critic.

Reviewing a Scientific Paper - Etiquette for References.

"I feel bad about Nora Ephron's neck."

"How was the play!"

"What I really want to do is chew up children’s books."

"Writing that book was a real strain."

"You call that a suit?"

"Failure is definitely the best teacher, but I'm thinking auditing a class with Success might not hurt."

"What did I think about the play? About an hour too long!"

The Critic...

Literary critics have a very special sense of humor.

"I don't mind if something's Shakespearean, just as long as it it's not Shakespeare."

"With one hand I'm reading the past decade's most critically acclaimed novel. With my other hand I'm searching for enough negative reviews to justify my decision to abandon it."

"They're going to print a retraction - your desserts are not inconsistent."