Bespoke Bookkeeper Pillows

'Your night writing book, madam.'

'Actually, accounting is an exact science.'

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

Sheep Ledger

"Six out of ten statisticians prefer to be in the majority."

Businessman sees sign in window of 'Fred's Chili Bowl' restaurant: 'Now Hiring a Bean Counter'.

"My accountant is brilliant - he has just had a loophole names after him!"

Gone Bookkeepin'

"This pesky decimal point seems to give you quite a bit of trouble."

'You certainly have a way with no words.'

'I'm not comfortable with his method of fixing our balance sheet.'

'Hang on, I've just found another one. It must've fallen down behind the coffee machine.'

"Now I see your problem. You've been using a leaf blower to rake it in."

"Other folks have to pay taxes, too, Mr. Herndon, so would you please spare us the dramatics!"

Accountant Manqué

'Good news! It looks as though the $50 million loss we expected to show is going to be a $30 million profit. You know, we should have hired a government accountant as our chief financial officer years ago.'

'I think you'll find these projections somewhat exaggerated, but in a good way.'

Records?

'Do you think now's a good time to ask for a raise?' - 'I wouldn't if I was you. She gave me one this morning.'

School of Wizardry and Creative Accounting.

"Cook the books al dente so the auditor will have a little something to crunch."

"So, the bills still aren't paid? You've never been good at money management."

"The time has come to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of double-entry bookkeeping, too."

Do you know what it means when all your financial statements are in red ink?' 'That it's time to change the printer cartridge?'

'There it is! I've isolated the origin of the firm's demise.'

"Advertise! Advertise! That's always been your answer for everything."

"Oh, that three billion dollars."

'For people to think we just pluck figures out of THIN AIR is RIDICULOUS, we use a bucket.'

Tunnel of Accountants: "You've been selected for a random audit."

"Accounts Dept, can I help you?"

"Today's flight is overbooked. Is there someone who would accept a free travel voucher in return for teaching us how to correctly book a flight?"

The Derby- Horse Auction at Tattersall's

'Hang on a minute! We forgot to write down that check number in the giant register...'

"People mistakenly think that we accountants are all boring number crunchers, but the latest figures show that 54% of the 23% of people who responded to a survey were 45% in favour of us being 12% more interesting than average!"

'Don't get your hopes up, I'm only laughing excessively...'