Bedtime Story Master T-Shirts

'Guaranteed! I put him to sleep as soon as you finish the story.'

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

Late night teddy reading

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'Please make us instruments of Thy peace, starting with Bucky Sims.'

"...and the humans turned Neville into 80,000 toothpicks..."

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

Shadow Puppet Bunny Threatened By Shadow Hawk

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'She's just great with the children.'

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"Mmmm! Bears hibernate in the winter. Cats can hibernate anytime we want!"

"Why didn't one of the bears just call 9-1-1 and have that girl arrested for trespassing?"

'Read me the one about the ant and the obsessive-compulsive grasshopper.'

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

Now Simon would have nightmares about his mother's failing eyesight.

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

'Put some feeling into it. I can't tell the difference between the lion and the mouse.'

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

"Only one pailful? Did they have water restrictions like we do?"

"That dream catcher may be working a little too well."

"I'm actually pretty ready for bed."

"Oh,oh - here comes quality time again."

'The pioneers opened the frontier, but it wasn't legal until brave lawyers blazed the paper trail!'

"Oh, Aunt Em, it wasn't a dream. It was a place. And you and you and you ... and you were there. But not that man with the straitjacket."

The Optician At Home: "....And it didn't fit the other sister, either. Then Cinderella tried on the glasses, and she could see perfectly."

This is the new Director's Cut version of Hansel and Gretel...with additional scenes and three alternative endings!!!

"And if that diamond ring don’t shine, Poppa will probably take it back to 47th Street and get something for your mother."

"Dad, can we have a bedtime narrative?"

"I'll get up in negative five minutes."

"Good evening, Susan. We've decided it's time you get your own bed."

"Customers who bought 'The Three Little Pigs' also bought...."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'