Bedtime Adventurers Pillows

'Why is it that there are so many bedtime stories about stupid princes and princesses, but no cool ones about zombies and chainsaws?'

Late night teddy reading

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

Being and Nothingness Pop-Up! (book)

'Please make us instruments of Thy peace, starting with Bucky Sims.'

Dog Nightmares

Shadow Puppet Bunny Threatened By Shadow Hawk

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

The Poky Little Pupa.

'She's just great with the children.'

'Read me the one about the ant and the obsessive-compulsive grasshopper.'

Now Simon would have nightmares about his mother's failing eyesight.

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

'Put some feeling into it. I can't tell the difference between the lion and the mouse.'

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

'And you're telling me this, why?'

"And if that diamond ring don’t shine, Poppa will probably take it back to 47th Street and get something for your mother."

"Customers who bought 'The Three Little Pigs' also bought...."

"Oh,oh - here comes quality time again."

"That dream catcher may be working a little too well."

"I'm actually pretty ready for bed."

'Am I looking sad or happy in the appropriate places?'

"I'm sad to hear everybody lived happily ever after. That means no sequels to this story."

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

"Most of the time it's 'Me Tarzan, you Jane', until we get into the bedroom. Then he's all, 'You Tarzan, Me Jane'."

Why don't you ever like to spoon?

'I've always loved your adventurousness in bed.'

"Name your sources."

',,,and they all lived happily ever after, Now close your eyes and go to sleep'

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

'It doesn't say what she had for dessert on Thanksgiving. It just says she made a coach out of her pumpkin.'

"Fellow graduates, when I look at you, I see future princesses, ninjas, wizards, superheroes, and zombies."

Alice Through the Looking Glass - 'Tickets Please!'

"Why did I start the story with 'Twice upon a time?' Because it's a sequel."

'I'm glad you're reading my night night story. Dad being a tax attorney only reads chapter 11.'