Bedtime Adventurers Pillows

'Why is it that there are so many bedtime stories about stupid princes and princesses, but no cool ones about zombies and chainsaws?'

Late night teddy reading

Being and Nothingness Pop-Up! (book)

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'Please make us instruments of Thy peace, starting with Bucky Sims.'

Shadow Puppet Bunny Threatened By Shadow Hawk

'She's just great with the children.'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'Read me the one about the ant and the obsessive-compulsive grasshopper.'

Now Simon would have nightmares about his mother's failing eyesight.

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

'Put some feeling into it. I can't tell the difference between the lion and the mouse.'

"And if that diamond ring don’t shine, Poppa will probably take it back to 47th Street and get something for your mother."

"Oh,oh - here comes quality time again."

"Customers who bought 'The Three Little Pigs' also bought...."

"I'm actually pretty ready for bed."

"That dream catcher may be working a little too well."

'And you're telling me this, why?'

'Am I looking sad or happy in the appropriate places?'

Why don't you ever like to spoon?

"Most of the time it's 'Me Tarzan, you Jane', until we get into the bedroom. Then he's all, 'You Tarzan, Me Jane'."

'I've always loved your adventurousness in bed.'

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

"I'm sad to hear everybody lived happily ever after. That means no sequels to this story."

'I'm glad you're reading my night night story. Dad being a tax attorney only reads chapter 11.'

"Bogeyman under your bed? Oh, no, sweetie, there's no room under there… unlike your closet."

'It doesn't say what she had for dessert on Thanksgiving. It just says she made a coach out of her pumpkin.'

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

'Moses parted the water so the Isrealites could go across? You mean in the mud?'

Alice Through the Looking Glass - 'Tickets Please!'

"Fellow graduates, when I look at you, I see future princesses, ninjas, wizards, superheroes, and zombies."