Bed-time Pillows

'I'm stupid Why have I taken a soporific'

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

'Br'er Fox said 'I'm going to throw you into the briar patch'...And Br'er Rabbit said, 'Please,please don't taser me!''

Swan Fairy Tales

'Where was the TSA?'

"Amen. . . void where prohibited by law."

"I'm just going to ring the doorbell so I have a chance of a spot in the bed."

"I'm not napping yet, but I am getting ready to with a pre-nap warm up."

'Dad's bedtime story was decent, but the special effects were non-existent.'

"Damn. I took the Rip Van Nyquil."

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

'Good night, Dear. Text me if you need anything.'

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

"Oh, Aunt Em, it wasn't a dream. It was a place. And you and you and you ... and you were there. But not that man with the straitjacket."

"... And bless my dog, Penny, whose licks give me the strength to carry on."

'And you're telling me this, why?'

The Optician At Home: "....And it didn't fit the other sister, either. Then Cinderella tried on the glasses, and she could see perfectly."

"The moral of the story, honey, is that being a celebrity does not make you a credible children’s book author."

"And this little piggy went – whoa! Where is your fifth little piggy?!"

Bedtime Stories with Gordon Ramsay

"Time for bed, guys."

"Skip the funny voices tonight—O.K., Dad?"

'Then Jack told his mother they were getting out of the dairy business and going into crop production.'

'It wouldn't hurt to say a few words.'

'I'm a perfect little angel while I'm asleep. It's being awake that causes me trouble.'

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

"Am I looking happy or sad in the appropriate places?"

',,,and they all lived happily ever after, Now close your eyes and go to sleep'

'I'm glad you're reading my night night story. Dad being a tax attorney only reads chapter 11.'

"Your princess voice is kind of patronizing."

Bedtime story.

'What did St. Patrick have against snakes?'

"Well, I assume the three bears went in the woods like all bears do. May I continue?"

Tell me a deposition, mommy.

"No, four glasses of water was enough. . . now I have to go to the bathroom!"