Battery Collector Pillows

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

'I only have to work one day a year -- I sell batteries door-to-door on Christmas morning.'

"I'm glad I don't have to put gas in it. the downside is that it takes a lot of time to put 3,000 AA batteries in it."

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

Handbag store - "Perfect."

Rudolph goes green (compact flourescent nose)

"My online account predicts the things I should own, then buys them with my credit card. It�s very convenient, but I do now need to move to a larger house."

"What colour do you have to get before the big kids leave you alone?"

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

AA Meeting Here Today

That midnight hour when fleeting memories come home to roost.

Black Belt/Yellow Belt/Green Belt/No Belt.

'Ideas.com' desk with a 'come' tray and a 'gone' tray.

'It's a farton, fartoff lamp!'

'Heirloom Tiffany Lamp Delivery. I Brake for Everything.'

His cubicle had come to be known as 'Teddy Bear Heaven'.

"Sounds like cracked ribs. Try loosening your belt."

"Are you happy with your current ball?"

Attic of hopes and dreams...

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

'... Going once...going twice...aaaand--sold! To the gentleman in the front row for a thousand words.'

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

"So, Bob... anything you'd like to tell me about your little trip to the hunting store on Boxing Day?"

"Sure, it's a break you can live with... but screw one more socket and you're toast!"

Utility Chic.

'Try his land line.'

"Twenty-five thousand, do I hear thirty thousand? Let me remind you all - this is the last Thin Mint cookie in the sleeve..."

'Sorry...I don't deal with lease issues.'

"Fetch, Ernie, fetch!"

"You get one every time you order something online."

Orthopaedist

"I'm sorry, I can't assist with this request."

"Hey, Dad, guess what? My Honus Wagner baseball card is worth $2.1 million!"

"I wonder what this was for."

Man with candle in thought bubble, "Ideas before Edison"