Bar Banter Expert Pillows

'Why did God create alcohohol?'

Bob's Tavern: Where the deer and the antelope stray.

"Why don't you come get me? Oh that's right, you aren't allowed on the couch!"

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

'I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits.'

"It says here that study claims chimps and humans are 96% the same. What's your thoughts Derek?"

That dolphin drinks like a fish.

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"You do realise that this position is only for the assistant bootlicker to the CEO?"

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

'I'll take back 'Rotten Egg' if you'll apologize for 'Dumb Cluck'.'

Inappropriate horse whispering.

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

"Is that neat whisky?"

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

'That guy is SO tacky.'

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

'The divorce was ugly, but not as ugly as the marriage.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"I'm not whining."

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."

"It's the drink talking"

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'