Baking Humorists T-Shirts

Cow Pies $5

"It's an old family recipe - some flour and water, yeast, a little salt, mono calcium phosphate, polysorbate 60, calcium propionate..."

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

Lesser known greek gods,

"War is hell and so is this soup."

Wok. Don't Wok.

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

'The Burrito King.'

Clyde in his 'egg-beater.'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

Cake Free Zone

A Club Sandwitch.

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

Garlic Free Zone.

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

'I was in the catering corps.'

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'