Backyard Bash Host Pillows

'Oh great. The neighbors are worming their way into another BBQ.'

Frank moonlights as a Grill Sergeant.

Cocktails on the verandah.

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

Cow Pinatas

"First I drink, then I barbecue — that's my secret."

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

"You've just got to have the biggest and the best, have'nt you?!"

'Your fancy new grill works great. . .and we didn't even have to turn it on.'

"Okay - who wants theirs well done?"

"This chicken wasn't cooked - it committed suttee!"

"I do like a plant that can hold its drink"

"Gerald converted the barbecue grill to natural gas."

"Don't let him get to you. I'm sure there are lots of people you didn't invite."

'If I don't use the charcoal grill, I get a carbon offset and the fire department gets a day off.'

'Propane ran out.'

'What do you mean, you can't get it to light?'

"Well, I thought I'd give fencing a try, but I sucked at it."

Beer Garden Kit

"Thanks for inviting us over to try out your new hot tub!"

Tom, you may not want to pause so long at the top of your swing.

Barbecue: Touch the Chef Inappropriately!

Who wants theirs well done?

Barbecue salesman pointing at cooker - "Top of the line."

Lawn Furniture/Yawn Furniture.

George can overreact when people criticise his barbecues.

"I hear the food's good. But try to get a table."

'Higgins, gardening is pretty simple. The roses love champagne, the rhododendrons prefer gin tonic, the birch trees are crazy for single malt and the lawn could kill for a good chardonnay.'

Gardening for Beginners

Dave always likes to amuse himself by accusing the sausages of heresy before he throws them on the fire!

"And that's why I don't have a steaming pile of s**t in my back yard."

"He likes his bones smoked."

Lobster hot tub.

Caveman invents the wheel and uses it as a table.

Well, Barbara, you can teach me the difference between a weed and a flower all day long, but I can't guarantee my aim is all that accurate anyway.