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Batman at the Maternity Ward

'The sonogram shows that you are carrying twins. I think they're going to get along very well. They seem to be hugging.'

What's the big surprise? All the latest theories of linguistics say we're born with the innate capacity for generating sentences.

"And who is going to be the Godfather?"

"I recommend an epidural, at least until they're off to school."

Baby talk 101 - Whaaaaa! 'This is a good one. It means, 'Until my every need is met, your life will be hell'.'

"They also left a pamphlet on the benefits of breast feeding."

'Engorgement's not easy for either of us.'

'Thank God we're cute. You only get one chance to make a good first impression.'

'So what's new?' 'Everything.'

'We're quite excited. We think he's developing his first disorder.'

'Look, I think she recognised you!'

'Superbaby...More powerful than an electric breast pump!'

Breastfeeding - "When it's my turn, can I use this?"

"Do you have a babble-to-English dictionary?"

'We've got it narrowed down to between three and twenty-three pounds.'

Push, push, push...

"So then I'm, like, 'Waaaaah! Waaaah!'"

"If I turn it up I might get out of here quicker!"

'I think I understand. You and I are a team and mum is the coach!'

'The good looking one is mine!'

Maternity ward.

'You saved $.05 for using your own bag.'

"So this is the secret to the start of labour!"

New dad.

'I never know which side to start on.'

"He seems to be a bit of a crybaby."

'It's OK, being completely egocentric is perfectly normal for someone your age.'

'Cracked nipple? But I didn't even drop you.'

'Honey, what's wrong?! Why are you crying?'

A daily routine gives you the advantage of knowing what to expect tomorrow.

'Can you tell me what I've written? I can't read!'

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

The Impractical Guide to Babies: 'Got a clever one here...'

"Oooglie oooglie googlie googlie..." "Who is this person? Where's the one with the milk?"