Andrew Lloyd Webber Fan Pillows

'We had to donwsize.'

'A cheeky red?'

Backfire

"Unbelievable! A tick!"

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

'Hey, buddy, do you mind lending me a hand? I appear to be stuck in this thing.'

"Nice haircut."

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a bubble like this?"

"Go ahead. Fly through it. I dare you."

'You're suffering from job-stress insomnia. Stop counting sheep to fall asleep.'

'That was Charlie Parker's 'Ornithology.' I threw in a flat nine in bar 16 and a tritone substitution in bar 22. Who noticed that? Hands up if you noticed!'

'Why, yes, I remember you. May I suggest an undrinkable pinot grigio that goes well with a bad tip?'

"It's Friday the 13th. I feel lucky!"

'Talking of of big tops have you seen the new barmaid at the Green Dragon?'

"It's your ribs. I'm afraid they're delicious."

Girl Scout cookies selling the girl scout.

Guide dog with eyesight proplem.

'I told him we're becoming an endangered species. He just laughed.'

Man has a dream about a clumsy sheep.

"Remember - you have sharp teeth and claws, but he has sarcasm."

"If you don't start misbehaving, there won't be any Halloween candy for you."

'This is the kind of hat you wear to bed.'

'He's been at it too long. Now, when the bell rings, Dr. Pavlov salivates.'

"And Moses climbed the mountain day and night searching for some sort of sign from God when suddenly he saw it"

Ziggy Wombat

"You mean you blame your failure in life on not having won the Irish Sweepstakes in 1970?"

Misery Memoirs Bumper Pack.

Did You Know That...Scientists in Illinois, USA, claim we would live a longer life if we were more like elves?

'Nobody goes there any more.' - 'It's too crowded.'

"O.K., your mouth may be clean but I'll bet your mind is filthy."

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'This one contains the commandments that will make people ENJOY life! Ha ha, just kidding.'

"God, I hate to fly."

"When life gives me lemons, I know twenty-six ways to kill a man with a lemon."