Allowance Guru Gifts

'Yeah, we put our allowances in your card. Can we have them back now?'

'My allowance isn't much - but I have a great benefits package!'

"We've decided to diversify our funds on some candy!"

"I finally got tenure by publishing a research paper funded by a grant about subsidies."

'I don't believe it - if this evidence is correct it'll rock the very foundations of our research grant application.'

"Let's say an immediate $10.00 allowance increase plus an annual 8% cost of living raise and I'll call him off."

"Can you check inside it for me, Mister?"

Great moments in science. . . 'Nice work, you've isolated the funding gene.'

"Does he have to do that every time he gets a little grant?"

"He just talked me into giving him a 200% raise in his allowance. At least we don't have to worry about him not succeeding in business when he grows up."

"Dean Williams, the grant committee approved my research grant to determine how many research grants are a waste of government money!"

"What are we doing wrong?"

"I think you should provide a 401(k) with my allowance."

"Sure, you can buy them another round, but is this really how you want to spend your MacArthur Grant?"

He's got 'I'm in grant renewal heaven' all over him.

'...but if daddy raised your allowance he'd be hurting the economy by stimulating inflation. You wouldn't want him to do that, would you?'

'The increased child tax credit is supposed to stimulate the economy...so how about a raise in my allowance?'

"But, pop, I hardly expected the oil price bust to affect my allowance."

'Is my allowance a form of income redistribution?'

'Yes, Bob, Allan's wife did let him buy tickets to the big game, but then Allan didn't spend all his allowance on nachos and beer, now, did he?'

"When do you think the upturn in the economy will have an input in my allowance?"

Grants Office Scientific Research Section.

Dispute over pocket money

'I already know about the birds and the bees. Tell me about investing my allowance for capital appreciation.'

'If I have to buy my sneakers with MY money, doesn't that blur the line between allowance and support.'

"My son's a commonwealth - I give him money to be independent."

"My client, whom I shall refer to as your son, has retained me to represent him in these negotiations regarding an increase in his allowance!"

How to win Genius Grants for Dummies!

"I don't get it. Dad wants to cut the household budget? How do we do that?"

'This is coming out of your allowance!'

"I'm applying for a grant to be able to apply for more grants."

'You've handled your allowance responsibly for three years so we're cutting it by three percent and requiring you to pay a share of your health care expenses.'

'I'm sick of writing grant proposals on spec.'

'You mean if I want extra money I have to go to work? That's your job, dad.'

'I'm worried -- It's getting harder and harder to qualify for Federal grants!'