Age-defying Comedienne T-Shirts

Indentured Birthday Cake

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

What say we rough it today and go without ice in our drinks!

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Another day at work would be one too many...

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Rap music

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

Toy plane with pilot eject.

"He's declared it an area of natural beauty"

A private jet takes off

A new you. 'First, you've got to stop lying about you age.' It didn't start off well.

A woman is as young as she feels like admitting to.

'When you said you had an investment in gold, you didn't mention it was in your teeth!'

Rodin's Thinker.

"Quick, I need a drink. Someone just called me Ma'am."

'After the tone, please leave your name and number.'

Exit Next Left

'Shall we bother with the sweet, chubby-chops?'

'That's funny, everybody else is going downstream.'

'Well, if nothing else, Brad, your wine selection does prove you have a sense of humor.'

Signs of Aging: Light headedness, shortening, waxy skin, burn out and hot flashes.

"Over millions of years, carbon turns to diamond. Yet it took dad plus his grill mere minutes to turn last night's marinated chicken into that carbon."

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

Clubbing

"Sometimes I wish I could just jump into the dryer and come out wrinkle-free!"

Ostrich's head buried into a pile of sand containing a woman

'What did I SAY to DAVE?' - A person with hangover worrying about the night before.

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

Car leaving highway crashes through 'EXIT HERE' sign.