Advising Mugs

'John's in charge of advising us on ethical matters, but to be honest, I've never had much confidence in him!'

"Excuse me a moment, whilst I just change hats."

"Have you given much thought to what kind of job you want after you retire?"

"Have you given any thought at all about where you might like to accrue your student loan debt?"

'This box usually yields one or two sensible suggestions,four or five stupid ideas,ten to twenty immoral suggestions and several hundred candy wrappers.'

"And what can the Joint Chiefs of Staff do for you today, little girl?"

The girl with the sensible shoes.

Man-to-man talk, Randy. Let's do this. What's wrong with you, man? What do you mean? Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports

Yes, I want your advice, what's your condition? Tell. No. One. I can't tell anyone you gave me advice. No problem. Not just that. You can't tell anyone my advice. Please sign here, and here, initial at the bottom. What? You give advice all the time on the radio. That's watered down. That's not P.U.S. Pure Undiluted Sadie. Next week: Sadie counsels Rudy creating … A Rudy made in Sadie's image. Oh, friends, it won't be pretty, not pretty at all but pretty mean …

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"Listen, I'm speaking to you not just as your agent, but also as a parasite."

'Honestly Nigel, your need for Special Advisers has got completely out of hand.'

'Oooooh yes Sharon - on second thoughts, marry a handsome stockbroker...'

"Then we have an unspoken agreement?"

'How many times have I told to seize the day before it seizes you?'

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

"Give a man a fish and you feed him for the day. Teach a man to fish and you can charge a consulting fee."

'So Kyle - have you considered the challenges of van driving?'

'Answer these constituents letters. Tell them to go to hell in a nice way.'

"Just go with the workflow."

"Listen to me, Nathan. Chicks love bad boys."

'Straight eye for the queer guy.'

"Remember, Man of good Sense not here to do work on your behalf. Man of good Sense only here to help you on strategic level until you wise enough to overcome recession."

"No, I want to know the meaning of never calling your mother."

'I took your advice and told him either I get a raise or I quit!'

"I became a mentor because I needed more direction in life."

"I can definitely give you my two cents, Sir – just let me know how you want it: Bitcoin, Paypal, or Venmo."

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

Constructive Criticism 50c.

"At least he's honest about it..."

'All I know is that when life hands you a lemon, you're supposed to make lemonade...is there such a thing as curveballade?'

"I've been invited to two different thanksgivings...One with family, one with friends, which one do I go to?"

'Where you went wrong' Desk.

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

"Your father would be able to afford to send you to a good college if only he had listened to me when he was your age!"