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Nobody's denying you the right to vent the despair of a twisted and tortured soul...just don't do it when you're writing the classified ads.

'Slugger' Sims...Leader in: Home Runs, RBIs, Endorsement Deals.

'I thought it was just going to be attack ADS.'

'It's a deal, for $15 an hour, I'll stand in front of your office.'

'You can either lose 100 pounds or rent out your stomach for advertising space'

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

"Welcome to the future"

The Future: "Sorry, but I have to show you an ad now."

"There's no such thing as 'bad publicity'." "All traffic is good traffic."

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'We want everyone to remember our name.'

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

The Solar System (after deregulation)

What can I do? He says it's his thinking cap.

This Message Has No Content

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

"Think of it as buying in – not selling out."

"So then the VP of Sales looks right at me and says 'Larry, what's going on? We don't have any traction in the market.' Like it's MY fault!"

Create some buzz!

'If only every year was an election year.'

'I guess every team needs a creative renegade.'

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

Crap from the future.

'Let me see your portfolio of stolen ideas.'

'Gentlemen, we need a slogan!'

This cream won't get rid of cellulite...it just makes it easier to slide into your jeans.

"Technically he's a zombie but we'll market him as a hybrid."

'Which sounds better: 'now with MORE XZ100' or 'now with LESS XZ100'?'

"By the end of next week, these fads such as social media, automobiles and making fire will all be over."

Jewellery Shop: Disposable income spoken here.

Important Food Groups

News Internecine: Murdoch succession battle

"What if, instead of the safe being filled with rawhide, it's filled with catnip and mice!" "No one will buy it." "Drugs and rodents? Who's our demographic?" "The Simpsons already did that."