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'How fast can you hype?'

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

'Which sounds better: 'now with MORE XZ100' or 'now with LESS XZ100'?'

"So let's roll up our sleeves and show that America still builds the world's greatest advertising."

Target your customer.

Direct Marketing...

'Miss Raleigh. I'm studying megatrends. Bring me some megavitamins.'

Bob thinks his new neighbor may be bad for business.

'The client has asked that you please stop referring to the product as, 'Crappy Crap Crap.'

'It's creative as hell! Now that you've got that out of your system, give me a campaign that will sell.'

'Our most successful e-mail campaign was an offer to take customers off our e-mail list.'

'Harold is the brains behind the Smudge-o-Rama mailer.'

"Joe's cereal. NPR co-approved."

Your ad here!

Women's sportswear - Sale on paradigm shifts.

Gerald Ratner's return

A close shave on the Titanic...

"The problem is that our ads have either been too Jewish or not Jewish enough."

F1 - Quit Smoking.

As Seen Watching TV

The marketing is out there now. People all know the pizzas are prepared on the premises. So why no customers?

Mouse real estate!

"Maybe we'd do better if we called ourselves 'baristas'."

"I think I know what your problem is. Not enough PR."

Smoke and Mirrors: Harold couldn't work out why his new store wasn't getting any customers.

Rudy, I've noticed your upsells have fallen drastically over the last 16 years. More and more, you just give customers what they ask for instead of pushing them to buy a larger cup, an extra cookie, or a 3-minute bathroom pass. That is unacceptable. So I've signed you up for my mandatory "How to Upsell" course and ordered you the reading material. Tuition fees will be deducted from your check. As your first lesson, I've upgraded you from the 2-week course to the 15-day one for just $50 extra. Ve

"Okay, let me come at this question a different way: Does anybody here actually know how to sell anything?"

'I don't get it... Our business model was exactly the same.'

'I think scroll sounds better than 'continuous media,''

'We're really just a mom and pop store...if mom and pop had 600,000 employees.'

"I think you'd make a persuasive salesman."

'We can't afford advertising like this! That's one page for the drug and two just for the side effects!'

"In the marketplace of ideas, we may not have the best ideas, but we have the best marketing."