Adventures In Employment Pillows

' You misread the ad,I'm looking for a light-weight engine.'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

"It raises trust issues, Mr. Kranse, when your very first question is 'what's the catch?'."

"The labor market is awaiting you!"

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

"I know you used to be our paperboy. That's why when you leave, you'll find your resume on the roof."

'What else do you have going for you besides being aggressive?'

"We got him through a firm of headhunters"

"That was a good interview. Do you have any other questions about this company?"

"I can handle a wide variety of work. In fact I've had ten different jobs in four months."

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

'I see you worked here seven years ago. Don't you have a better reference than that?'

'I received matching offers.'

'The salary isn't much, but the expense account to entertain the boss, ohh-la-la!'

'I hear you're looking for bounty hunters...'

"I told you they had a tough interview process here."

"Daddy says he got the promotion: We'll be able to afford to move to greener pastures!"

'Who said honesty is the best policy?'

Very well, Mr Potter. I blinked first. You're hired.

On his first day as a paramedic Henry suffered Pre-Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

"According to your resume, your last three employers are some of the biggest crime families on the eastern seaboard. I don't know what position you've applied for, but welcome to the company."

'I'd love to have whatever job you have left.'

"Maybe we apply as a group....crowdsourcing employment."

'We're looking for someone who would be comfortable toiling in obscurity for at least thirty years.'

'I'm going to write a salary figure on this piece of paper. You tell me if it is acceptable or too high.'

"I think there's been a mistake... I applied for the caretakers job."

'Heyyy, you're hired! Want a peanut?'

"...I'm available for interview, at your convenience!"

'Since you were previously self-employed, you shouldn't mind working for us without a health plan.'

'The LACK of a resume indicates that I don't need one.'