Adventure In Hr T-Shirts

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"Listen Herb, once you become the boss and decide who gets a raise, then you can have a raise."

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

"I can't sit down. Don't you remember? I worked my butt off for you."

'I'll be honest with you. The pay isn't great.'

"I'm going to send you to someone who's more familiar with the law of the jungle."

-...And we don't discriminate against people of colour. -I've been on the sunbed!

'Henry has found his niche with us.'

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

'You are smarter, faster and more efficient than Carter... they's why I'm making you the new assistant to Carter!'

"I have to say candidate two made a very good impression."

'Says here you can tear phonebooks in half? Well, security could use a man like you in our shredding department!'

"I'm trying to find a way to balance your strengths against your felonies."

"Good: I see you're fluent in nonsense."

'Elaine, no interruptions for the next ten seconds please.'

'He gives his heart and soul to every annual performance review.'

'Your resume doesn't contain a single falsehood or stretching of the truth. Sorry, but you're not what we're looking for in our PR department!'

'You've impressed the interview panel, but our handwriting analyst has determined that you're insane.'

"See? I told you it was possible to mix business with pleasure."

"Tell us something we don't know."

I'm sorry, but your drug screen results disqualify you as an employment candidate, You see, sample 'A' is a normal brain, sample 'B' is a normal brain on drugs, and sample 'C',,, Well, Mr, Dumpty, sample 'C' is your brain,

'Have you any other references apart from your mother's?'

"Nice and simple. The way a family leave policy should be."

Caution - Men Working In Trees.

'Careful. You still have that new-employee smell.'

"Of course the job has benefits - you benefit by getting a paycheck every week!"

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package †major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"I'm afraid we don't have anyone to help you at the moment, but once our advertising and recruitment programme is finished we should have someone to see you in 8 years or so..."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'We don't settle for second best... And Bleargh here is the best in the galaxy.'

"I think we're going to have to look at our recruitment algorithms again."

'Ideally we want you to find us someone with an excellent degree and at least 8 years experience litigation at a magic circle firm.'

'Please have a kneeler and let's start the interview.'

Official in flooded office says: 'A decision on lifting the hosepipe ban will be made in due course.'