Adventure In Hr T-Shirts

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

"Listen Herb, once you become the boss and decide who gets a raise, then you can have a raise."

"I can't sit down. Don't you remember? I worked my butt off for you."

'I'll be honest with you. The pay isn't great.'

"I'm going to send you to someone who's more familiar with the law of the jungle."

-...And we don't discriminate against people of colour. -I've been on the sunbed!

"I have to say candidate two made a very good impression."

'You are smarter, faster and more efficient than Carter... they's why I'm making you the new assistant to Carter!'

'Says here you can tear phonebooks in half? Well, security could use a man like you in our shredding department!'

'Henry has found his niche with us.'

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

"I'm trying to find a way to balance your strengths against your felonies."

'Elaine, no interruptions for the next ten seconds please.'

'He gives his heart and soul to every annual performance review.'

"Good: I see you're fluent in nonsense."

"See? I told you it was possible to mix business with pleasure."

'You've impressed the interview panel, but our handwriting analyst has determined that you're insane.'

"Tell us something we don't know."

I'm sorry, but your drug screen results disqualify you as an employment candidate, You see, sample 'A' is a normal brain, sample 'B' is a normal brain on drugs, and sample 'C',,, Well, Mr, Dumpty, sample 'C' is your brain,

'Have you any other references apart from your mother's?'

"Nice and simple. The way a family leave policy should be."

Caution - Men Working In Trees.

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package †major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"Of course the job has benefits - you benefit by getting a paycheck every week!"

'Careful. You still have that new-employee smell.'

"I'm afraid we don't have anyone to help you at the moment, but once our advertising and recruitment programme is finished we should have someone to see you in 8 years or so..."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'We don't settle for second best... And Bleargh here is the best in the galaxy.'

"I think we're going to have to look at our recruitment algorithms again."

'Ideally we want you to find us someone with an excellent degree and at least 8 years experience litigation at a magic circle firm.'

Official in flooded office says: 'A decision on lifting the hosepipe ban will be made in due course.'

'Please have a kneeler and let's start the interview.'

'You can't retire. You know too much. You might talk.'