Addressing Truancy Pillows

"Your son's web presence doesn't make up for his truancy."

"This is not permanent...we'll be back as soon as things start to look up."

Another day at work would be one too many...

"Your job is to build an app that replaces you."

'Howard's doing things he's always wanted to with his redundancy money.'

St. Elmo's fired.

"We're all in the same boat, except it's more like a life raft than an actual boat."

'This part was tenure.'

"I finally got tenure by publishing a research paper funded by a grant about subsidies."

"Life isn't fair, and that's what makes it fun."

'The good news is we're not laying you off. The bad news is we want you to take a 20-year lunch break without pay.'

'I'm fired, am I -- What's that supposed to mean?'

"Hey, at least you got a severance package."

'We'll add extra to your severance package if you promise to go to work for our competition.'

"That's where the tenured faculty members hang out."

"Come out, Snivers, it's a decent enough redundancy package."

"He told me I was a flip phone expected to do a smart phone job."

"I don’t understand why they aren’t happy, we give them challenging, demanding work and let them do it 80 hours a week!"

'I interview well, but only for exit interviews.'

'I think our mission statement should mention scholarship and attendance.'

"You are here, but you should be in class!"

'We're keeping Edwards because he forwards the funnier e-mails.'

"Welcome to Truancy Prevention 101."

Department of Wastage - Formerly 'Middle Management'

"Be careful, dear. People tend to lose control when faced with the newfound freedom of their first year of tenure."

'Reed oil aboot tit!'

Take Harris up in the company helicopter and throw him out.

"Don't bother replying. That's YOUR job being advertised."

"Being a CEO is a bit like being a football manager. . ."

'Niche apres tenure. Niche before and you're toast.'

"I have some character-building news for you."

"Ironically, I think I'm experiencing job burn out!"

"He's faking it to get out of school. Bring in his teacher and run some tests."

"They told me my parachute would be golden. Turns out it's pyrite."

"Trevor, you've been an asset to the company for the past ten years, but it's time for a fresh face..."