Addressing Truancy Pillows

"Your son's web presence doesn't make up for his truancy."

"This is not permanent...we'll be back as soon as things start to look up."

Another day at work would be one too many...

'Howard's doing things he's always wanted to with his redundancy money.'

"We're all in the same boat, except it's more like a life raft than an actual boat."

"Your job is to build an app that replaces you."

St. Elmo's fired.

'This part was tenure.'

'Sometimes I don't know if I'm coming or going.'

"I finally got tenure by publishing a research paper funded by a grant about subsidies."

"Life isn't fair, and that's what makes it fun."

'I'm fired, am I -- What's that supposed to mean?'

'The good news is we're not laying you off. The bad news is we want you to take a 20-year lunch break without pay.'

"Hey, at least you got a severance package."

'We'll add extra to your severance package if you promise to go to work for our competition.'

"That's where the tenured faculty members hang out."

'I think our mission statement should mention scholarship and attendance.'

"I don’t understand why they aren’t happy, we give them challenging, demanding work and let them do it 80 hours a week!"

'I interview well, but only for exit interviews.'

"He told me I was a flip phone expected to do a smart phone job."

"Come out, Snivers, it's a decent enough redundancy package."

"You are here, but you should be in class!"

"Welcome to Truancy Prevention 101."

Department of Wastage - Formerly 'Middle Management'

'We're keeping Edwards because he forwards the funnier e-mails.'

"Ironically, I think I'm experiencing job burn out!"

'Reed oil aboot tit!'

"Don't bother replying. That's YOUR job being advertised."

'Niche apres tenure. Niche before and you're toast.'

"Being a CEO is a bit like being a football manager. . ."

"Be careful, dear. People tend to lose control when faced with the newfound freedom of their first year of tenure."

"I have some character-building news for you."

Take Harris up in the company helicopter and throw him out.

"He's faking it to get out of school. Bring in his teacher and run some tests."

'You are a credit to the human race, Yardsley. Unfortunately, you're a liability to this firm.'