Accolade Seeker Pillows

Woman in Floral Outfit leaving Flower Show.

"Any plaudits for me while I was out, Miss Jenkins?"

Butterfly Woman

"This could be the year someone actually goes up there."

"They’re real."

Pipe Smoker of the Year Awards.

"I'm spending more time promoting myself than I am being myself."

I can't wait 'til her tryouts for "Cats" are over.

Presenter Auditions.

'Thirty years in academia and all I got was this chair.'

"'City Slickers' was O.K., but, let's face it, it was no 'Claire's Knee.'"

'I always feel at the end of the day I could've taken credit for more.'

"I'd like to thank my family, but, to be honest, I'm pretty sure I could've done it without them."

And this one i got for properly polishing my medals.

"Excuse me sir, is this the environment..?"

"Last question. Where do you see yourself thirty seconds from now?"

'Introducing one of our top salesmen despite his old age. . .'

"I seem to have forgotten what I was saying...please...hold the applause!"

"A P.R. Intern Named Salome with the Head Shot of John the Client."

'This was to have been Hillary's greatest moment...'

'Sir Percy is here for his Purple Heart, Sire.'

"This isn't his audition...he's telling us about being an actor."

HornyWood

A woman bows to the crowd

'It's a great country kid, anyone can grow up to be security to the president.'

Metaphors.

"I kept following my dreams until my dreams filed a restraining order against me."

'That's because they won't let you die until you pay your student loans.'

'Well, this explains everything. You've been bitten by the acting bug!'

Waldo P. Smith, M.D., PH.D, J.D., M.B.A., $$$

Sportsperson is happy with most likes

"Yeah, you can drawl the drawl, but can you mosey the mosey?"

"Never mind the carrot, where's my f*****g medal?"

"I won it for being lice-free."

"If I could take back ninety per cent of the things I say, then I think people would know the real me."