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"Certainly. A party of four at seven-thirty in the name of Dr. Jennings. May I ask whether that is an actual medical degree or a Ph.D.?"

'Look! The new long awaited, highly anticipated but ultimately disappointing novel by that guy you like.'

Scarcity

'Instead of a raise, Yomp, you may call me 'Chief', instead of Mr Staghorn.'

"It started with a simple case of peer-review."

"She's a show dog...purebred, of course." "That's great! My guy's a Sanskrit scholar...wrote for the Harvard Lampoon."

"I figure I have about 20 years of school to go."

"Want to find out if you're also king of the swamp?"

"I got my PhD in Nursing just so people would have to call me Doctor."

Max Weber

Can you translate that to simple-minded!

"...and you call yourself a computational immunotox-pharmacological an-diffracctiion bimolecular therapeutic ononclonal-antibody genomic metabolic-endocrinologist."

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

'After being here for more than forty years - as undergraduate, graduate student instructor, professor - what saddens me most is that this was not the college of my choice.'

'He was very big in Vienna.'

All kidding aside, let me explain why I get to call you Al, yet you have to call me Dr. Kapuchnik. It's simply because I'm a psychiatrist and you're a bum. It's nothing personal. Thanks for explaining. I feel better.

"Millstone is not yet a full professor."

Psychology Dept. Faculty Evaluations Today. I can't tell if it's my id or my ego, but I'm really craving a promotion.

"To maintain proper respect for management, you have to call me 'Boss Joey!' Unless, you know, you don't want to."

There are two schools of thought. But they are spelled differently. And one of them is wrong.

Cambridge Dons Researching Gravity.

'You've spent the last 20 years in college. What made you stop hiding from the real world?'

'What I don't understand, is how a guy named Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart stayed out of fights long enough to compose any music.'

"I have to read this disclaimer: Any opinions expressed in this course belong to the professor and do not necessarily mean the university is left-wing."

'But I only came to Oxford because I heard I could wear a gown!'

'That's it?'

'I was just given more responsibility. Now I am not only responsible for corporate mumbo but also for corporate jumbo.'

Emile Durkheim

'I'm getting a little concerned about Timmy. He hasn't wormed his way out of anything all semester.'

"In conclusion, I hope you all make plenty of money to donate to your alma mater."

"I prefer the term 'barista.'"

"These days, professor it's "T.V. punditry or perish.""

"They all failed?! What on earth was the question?" "How do you fund a university?"

"We just want you to know that wherever you wind up going to college is fine with us, as long as it's someplace we can brag about to our friends."

Big cheese