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Books on running a successful school,

Chaos Theory Conference.

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

Knowing that her doctorate in bio-physics made her profoundly overqualified for the job, Susan played dumb during the interview.

'Dr. Znarfglaub is our new faculty member - he doesn't speak English, so he's the perfect affirmative action hire!'

"A final word of thanks to those hard working scholars: The Term-Paper Ghostwriters."

"According to these results, I shouldn't have gone to Med School in Grenada."

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

"I'm going to prove that Math comes in handy later in life."

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

Li'l Bill meets destiny.

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

"There are no dumb questions, Billy, but there are plenty of dumb answers!"

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

'And in conclusion.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'Physical or Social Science?'

"Oh my goodness. My lecture on John Donne has just been awarded Most Pizzazzy Metaphysical Lecture of the Year."

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

Dear folks. Well, you were right; being the prettiest gator of the Everglades hasn't helped me one bit.'

Next semester I have "The Frito-lay

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

Reviewing a Scientific Paper - Etiquette for References.

'Oh that?... It has nothing to do with the formula; it just makes the whole thing seem less grumpy.'

"Exactly how long were you home schooled?"

"I turned five. That's why I'm here. What are you in for?"