Academic Banter Enthusiast Pillows

Physics Trash Talk: '...and your Mama thinks Newton's second law replaced Newton's first law.'

'Your old report cards... At least you won't be a tough act to follow.'

Scarcity

Need Supercomputer to finish my PhD, Please Help.

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

"It started with a simple case of peer-review."

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

'And in conclusion.'

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

'Physical or Social Science?'

Max Weber

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

"Oh my goodness. My lecture on John Donne has just been awarded Most Pizzazzy Metaphysical Lecture of the Year."

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

Chaos Theory Conference.

'After being here for more than forty years - as undergraduate, graduate student instructor, professor - what saddens me most is that this was not the college of my choice.'

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

The Art of Bantering!

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

Books on running a successful school,

The Milbrook Verney chair in literature. The C.K. Frebish endowment for footnotes.