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"Professor Williams had at first been reluctant to join the Assistant Deans in their Think Great Thoughts aerobics. He later came to enjoy the activity."

'Hmph. College kids.'

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

"I'm taking 'moving back in with the parents' studies."

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

'And in conclusion.'

'Physical or Social Science?'

"Oh my goodness. My lecture on John Donne has just been awarded Most Pizzazzy Metaphysical Lecture of the Year."

Dear folks. Well, you were right; being the prettiest gator of the Everglades hasn't helped me one bit.'

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

Chaos Theory Conference.

Books on running a successful school,

"As a summation of our work it's pretty accurate...apart from the beginning, middle and end of all the words in between!"

The Milbrook Verney chair in literature. The C.K. Frebish endowment for footnotes.

"I'd like to propose a bill to the effect that we can remain freshmen indefinitely."

'If it makes you feel any better, I gave the kid you copied from the same grade.'

Young man standing with hands in pockets because it is the fashion at his college

"Along with 'Antimatter,' and 'Dark Matter,' we've recently discovered the existence of 'Doesn't Matter,' which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever."

"Do you have this grant in a bigger size?"

"Your research is impressive, but you have too many original ideas to be credible..."

'Ann, you're the best graduate student I have, so I'm going to blame some faulty research on you.'

"Why do I always get stuck with being the guardian angel to someone who can't seem to finish his Ph.D.?"

The Perpetual Motion (just a figure of speech) Institute.

'I'm sorry, Professor Johnson is not picking up. I can put you through to the equally eccentric Professor Williams if you would like?'

'What did you put down for the definition of plagiarism?'

"I'm honored to share my research at your virtual academic conference."

'My son is away at college, majoring in communications. He never calls and he never writes.'

When geographers and geometrists hang out.

"My research paper wasn't accepted by any of the juried publications, but it's regarded throughout the academic community as highly downloadable."

"According to these results, I shouldn't have gone to Med School in Grenada."

"It's amazing how much Junior has changed after only a few weeks away at college..."