Workplace Reality Check Pillows

"Everybody says this is an awesome company to work for once you get through the probationary period!"

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

"We don't talk anymore."

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

Cog-In-The-Wheel

"We end our Newscast with a happy story tonight."

"Is that legal? Can the old man force me to take a performance-enhancing drug."

'How can they call it a shared sacrifice in this bad economy...when your pay cut was 10% and mine, 25%?!'

A case of runaway forklift Doctor. Do we offer him any compensation?

"Our policy regarding paid vacations is - if you take a vacation, you'll pay for it."

'I am sure you will enjoy working here until your inevitable layoff.'

'I'd like to sue my way to success.'

"No, we don't have a pension plan. We don't expect our employees to ever retire."

'You're the very first employee to register your complaint via my 'open door' policy.'

'You can't cash your paychecks until your 6 month probation is satisfactorily over.'

'Bernice . . . could you come in here please? Bring a can of hairspray and a cigarette lighter!'

"Tim hasn't felt comfortable coming back into the office but he has sent some of his thoughts."

'Ordinarily I wouldn't do anything like that, Mr. Hubbard, but I just hit $2 million in the lottery!'

"Thank you for coming in on your day off, minion. It reflects well on your character." "I thought my job depended on it." "I don't know how you got that impression. I would never force you to come in on your day off. That would be illegal." "You said 'Come in on your day off. Your job depends on it.'" "Rudy, Rudy, Rudy... That's just a figure of speech." "You went on to say 'I mean it. That's not just a figure of speech.'" "That was a figure of speech too."

Mattress makers picketing in front of factory are sleepwalking.

' Well..She did it to me again.'

'Ageism at work'

"Jason Smith, civil engineer" "Simon Truscott, uncivil engineer"

'It's spring, Boss! When a young man's fancy turns to union organizing!"

"A serf? We don't call you 'serfs' anymore. Nowadas we call you flexibly employed staff members!"

"Some people at work think you're a little to aggressive and intimidating."

'...but I'm already working as slow as I can.'

'I'll be back to take your order as soon as I've eaten.'

'I want more transparency in the workplace.'

'Try to forget that I'm your boss, Saunders and just try to think of me as one of the boys!'

"Armstrong, I've worked here for a long time and I think I deserve a raise. How about it?"