Wizarding Wordsmith Pillows

"The leadership team wants a catchy acronym for a new social media app they're calling Functional Applied Relationship Tracker. Any suggestions?"

Copycats

Zombie standup

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

"So, what brings you in today, Mr. Brooks? High anxiety again?"

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

Reading my Critics

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

QUINTUPLE BYPASSES EXPLAINED.

Assault 'n' Vinegar

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

Fast food. Even faster food

"It's not a party until someone gets plowed."

'Do you have any catsup?'

This Message Has No Content

"I'm not weird I'm a 'person of weirdness'."

"That's it. We’re toast."

Backfire

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"Excuse me, I'm here to do some sole searching."

"Objection, Your Honor! Alleged killer whale."

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.