Weird News Prints

This week in tentacles

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"Obama didn’t get to name a Supreme Court justice during his final year. So how come Trump does?"

Squeezing the Free Press.

They're Not Just That Into It

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

Trump pardons

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

'Let's go to our education reporter for more underreporting of school success stories.'

"I can't decide what I fear the most, Putin's Russia or Putin's America."

"Well, how do things look from where you sit?"

"See..? We told you there was nothing there..."

Difference of Opinion

Meet the Enemy

'I think I'll stay in and try to catch up on my reading.'

"We won!"

'Thank heavens! For a minute there I thought it was the news!'

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

CIA report

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

News Internecine: Murdoch succession battle

A little bird told me...

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

'Now for today's numbers...'Bad Dogs' outnumbered 'Good Dogs' by two-to-one...'

Laughingstock

Our Two Parties, Explained

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

Taking Credit after Voting against Stimulus

Public Relations: Reputations cleaned and repaired

Trump Poutine