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'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

"Oh, I know He works in mysterious ways, but if I worked that mysteriously I'd get fired."

Blessed are the brief.

'No, Father, they're not praying. They're texting.'

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

'You certainly got our attention, pastor.'

'-and now a prayer for the roof fund...'

'And now, concerning the special collection...'

Woman Bishop with vacuum cleaner. Vicar saying 'It's to appease the traditionalists.'

'And by clicking on 'I Agree,' you agree to the terms and conditions...'

'How worse? Give me the worst-case scenario.'

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

'So ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for anyone prepared to pay ?48.50 including VAT.'

'It's one way to boost the numbers.'

'Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth, but not the oil and mineral rights.'

'Who's this 'Art in Heaven' guy you keep talking about?'

Vicarage - Beware of the Dogma.

"If we're on earth to help others, how do I go about becoming an 'other'?"

'...in sickness or health, inflation or deflation,marriage tax credit or debit...'

"Cutting edge stuff, Mrs Bellamy - Cordless Bell Ringing."

'Ed moves that we buy new choir slickers and adjourn for pizza. Do I hear a second?'

'Does 'Amen' mean 'Send'?'

'I enjoyed the deviled ham, the deviled eggs and the devil's food cake, but we need a menu more in tune with our mission.'

'More DVT vicar?'

I'm afraid it's time for you to render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's,

'It's a devil to start on these damp November Sunday mornings - luckily we have a sidesman who works for the AA.'

'I'm afraid, Reverend, that what the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.'

'Herbert changes churches so often that we decided to skip the packing and unpacking stages.'

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

'The Bishop called - he'd like to see a copy of that sermon you gave last Sunday.'

'...and to speed up the collection process, donations can now be made by texting 'CHURCH' to 873346.'

Commuting bishop uses crook to hold on to tube train strap.

Vicar with a cross on his cycle helmet

'It's very inflammed. Why don't you take a vow of silence for a few days?'