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Housewives meet Top Chef

Tired of long-winded pundits overanalyzing the news? Your days of boring news talk shows are behind you! Welcome CNM viewers to a sizzling new concept in talk shows: No you are! I'm Brit Johnson, your host. Today's first topic, Health Care Reform. Joining me from the left, Damon Silver. From the right, Paula Doyle. Damon, your thoughts? It's complicated but I'll tell you what's obvious. Paula's all wrong. She's a decent person, but when it comes to health care, she's an idiot. No you are! No you

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

American Idle.

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

'What does it say, Dad?'

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Can't Touch This

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

It's not a bad planet -- Their talk shows make it seem a lot worse than it is.

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"I like it but does it get only the one channel?"

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

'It's not as impressive as it looks. He only watches fishing shows.'

Can't Touch This

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

Christmas TV...

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

'Do you want to watch the weather/natural disaster channel, the nuclear proliferation channel, or the gun violence/Kennedy assassination channel?'

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.

Meet John Henderson. - The only journalist NOT to have interviewed serial killers in prison...

'Every TV show seems to have a lucrative phone-in competition these days.'

Sorry, I thought you said you wanted to see 'Parrot Normal Activity'

"You don't have to answer that."

"I suppose we have Judge Judy to thank for all this."

'Well, kids -- I guess it all started to fall apart when they canceled 'Seinfeld'....'

'I'm a has-been celebrity - get me in there!'