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Andy Hamilton

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

'Frankly, I think watching paint dry has been given a bad press.'

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"As some of you may have guessed I got yesterday's sunburn factor wrong!"

Stephen Fry

'What does it say, Dad?'

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

"That concludes our broadcast day. Go to bed."

Local News in Heaven

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

Next camera crew 5 mins

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

Vanna White: The Later Years.

Reporter #6: television.

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

'And that's how to make pancakes.'

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

'It's not as impressive as it looks. He only watches fishing shows.'

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

"In other news a new study indicates dogs are still better than cats."

Presenter Auditions.

'Double Dannys': Danny Baker and Danny Kelly.

Jerry Springer of biblical times.

'And for those of you calling in to say he is behind us - OH NO he isn't.'

Television guests' essentials in November.

Stephen Fry

CELEBRITY NEWS TEAM"Now here's Frank Sinatra with the weather."

'On a personal note, I'm pleased to report I've been upgraded from reporter to opinionated loudmouthed pundit.'

The boy who cried Wolf Blitzer,

'It's educational TV, Mom — the redheaded girl in the lime-green bikini has a teaching degree.'

Jeremy Clarkson.