Train Timetable Tactician Pillows

Like every morning, Mitch thought that happiness could be measured by the statistical probability that his train would arrive on time.

'You're not confident at the water hole are you?'

'He's been hiding out here for 20 years. Apparently, his buddies forgot to tell him the paintball tournament was over.'

Golf lessons

"If I've timed this right, symptoms should start at exactly 9 a.m. Monday."

"We're looking for someone who'll be available twenty four-seven."

'What a control freak!'

Safest Airline in The World

'We don't keep cash on the premises.'

'I'm working through the Summer as usual: I take my annual leave in Winter you see...'

"I carefully examine the data for March madness brackets and every year I lose to Anita, who picks by uniform colors."

"We should take life one step at a time." "OK, but not right now...there's some dogs do-do right in front of us!"

'Curses! My eyes were closed.'

"3 ounce liquids! Get your 3 ounce liquids here! Approved and ready for screening! 3 ounce liquids!"

Ready to move when the other guy blinks.

'I went riding this morning. . . he got back before I did.'

"Mrs. Martin is here. She's the new substitute teacher."

'Blimey, you must have charged for the trolley as well!'

'The break is over, guys. It's time we got back to our 'Poker Addiction Support Group.''

"I told them I was sick of working all hours...and that I intended to stick to my hours and get home to give my son a bath and bedtime book....unfortunately he'd turned into a 26 year old commodities broker while I was in meetings!"

'I wonder who they'll bring on as manager for the second half.'

Golf

"I'm not attracted to him and we don't get along, but the timing is right."

"I can't remember - do I work at home or do I live at work?"

'So if it goes to the right it's a slice, to the left it's a hook...and down the center.'

"Face it - there is no good time to get married, have children, and move to Jersey."

'What's this?' - 'Your sealed orders, not to be opened till 7 furlongs.'

Coo coo clocks make a cats job easier.

'It's not what you buy. It's when you buy.'

'Cap'n, why's the enemy fire so accurate after we deployed the smoke screen?'

'I was there the day we were married. Talk about bad timing.'