Tobacco Detective Pillows

Policeman: 'Holy Smokes!'

'As it's your first day we're going to start you on something easy.'

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

"It's been redacted to produce our sauces."

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

"Well, son. . . here your dad makes the famous 'fresh from nature' food!"

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

The Huge-Underground Vat theory of why all wonton soup tastes exactly the same.

"And that's where hot dogs come from."

'Are you the guy who put gluten in the bread?'

"Ah — excellent catsup."

"Time! Ladies and gentlemen please, for yet another probe into the brewing industry"

'You will tell me if you have any doubts about my formulae, won't you?'

"Do you have anything with FOOD in it?"

"I ask you, how can something so cute and soft smell like a bag of Fritos?"

Rat Hair: Peanut Butter Ingredient.

'KEEPING UP in practice simply means knowing which drug the FDA has withdrawn.'

La Tour 2007.

Fire at the Bisto Factory

Gene doping in sport.

"From the gentleman at the end of the bar."

'No thanks, I recently gave them up.'

The trouble with trying to quit smoking.

"Excuse me, sir! Do these vegetables have any dangerous additives?"

'He likes to point out the obvious.'

'I keep getting stomach cramps after eating.' - 'You're probably intolerant to certain foods.' - 'Can you test for that?' - 'Yes, just eat things one by one and see what makes you ill.' - 'Won't that be slow and painful?' - 'Fingers crossed.'

"Decaf. They can't be far away."

'I wonder if anyone will miss me after I'm gone?' 'Would you like to pay your bar tab now?'

"Its DNA is consistent with meat loaf."

'Most people are worried about this - According to a Gallup pole.'

'Ol' Zeke across the mountain's been stealing all my business with his new low-carb moonshine!'

"Where's the nutrition label?!"