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The Conspiracy Theorist

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"Davina McCall: Life at the Extreme takes a celebrity to the most extreme places on Earth!"

Benedict Cumberbatch

"Don't get strung out by the way I look, don't judge a book by its cover."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

"Don't worry - I'm here for the television."

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

'There's nothing on.'

"Do you know any other songs besides the theme to The Andy Griffin Show?"

'It's midnight, do you know where your brain is?'

TV jester.

TV-Man

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

Time Machine Collision

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

Applause

'They're just like us, except they watch more television.'

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."