Television Newscaster Prints

Aging Boomers live longer.

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

Squeezing the Free Press.

"I caution everyone to avoid taking the first field reporter job that comes along."

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

"The economy always seems to be recovering, but it never recovers."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

Man Reading Laptop.

"Analysts warn that computerization of the villages won't give the expected results!"

"I'm going to miss it when they stop warning us"

"Reports that AI is planning a world takeover are greatly exaggerated."

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

2020 Swiss barmy knife

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

"And now, since our local teams really stink, here are scores for actual good teams around the country that you might want to root for."

BREAKING FAKE NEWS

'Mixed day on Wall Street. Economic indicators were up, but executive bonuses were down.'

Business News.

"We live in interesting times. Present company exempted, of course."

'Here's the name of my cosmetic brain surgeon. He make you look smarter.'

'Our new simplified energy bills just have a few options starting with 'Grossly inflated' and progressing to the premium 'Bloodsucker' package. . .'

'And this just in from the stock market... buy, sell, buy, sell, buy, sell, buy!'

'Here's our business editor to talk s**t to us for five minutes'

Today, tech stocks rose on news the latest gadgets avoided internet censorship by the Iranian government.'

'Vote for me because my Super PAC raised lots more money than my opponent's Super PAC.'

"In a move sure to revolutionize the industry, Lincoln Middle School is using Halloween candy energy levels to offset costs in November, December and January."

CELEBRITY NEWS TEAM"Now here's Frank Sinatra with the weather."

If Watergate Happened Now the Press Would Be Too Busy Reporting on Tweets

Flake News

'War protestor': 'Oh no! Not this again...'

"I could afford a degree in broadcast journalism, but not the makeup."

Man has a seatbelt and 'calm down tablets' to watch the world news.

...and now for the news in briefs...