Tasteful Humorist Mugs

"Can we be seated under a vegan painting?"

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'The Burrito King.'

Honest Vending

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

A Club Sandwitch.

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

Garlic Free Zone.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

Where Deviled Eggs come from

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"