Sulphuric Snickering Mugs

You've been so grouchy since you quit smoking.

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That's the preacher's dog."

Pandora's Change Purse...

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

"Don't make me resort to alternative questioning techniques."

'I'm looking for someone to keep the blood off my hands.'

"That's right, Robert. Santa sends us a copy of his naughty and nice list, and we send him our students' grades."

Chocolate never tasted as good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.

Cookie Thief

Theory of Gravity

Ah-Choo!

'There you are - you know you're not supposed to be eating that!'

The final proof that they were closer to humans than we ever thought.

"Gesundheit!"

"Oh, very well - make that life with the possibility of parole."

'This is quite common. You've eaten so many sausages that you've turned into one.'

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, pollen to pollen, mold to mold..." "He was allergic to everything."

'The dietary exchange for this food is 3 days of unrelenting remorse.'

Don't lie to me

'Your father's been really getting under my feet.'

'I was arrested for stealing too many artificial sweetener packets from restaurants.'

He used to be a cat person, but he went over to the "bark side."

"Don't get your hopes up, Buster."

'Put the cheesecake and cappuccino on one bill and the health salad on another bill so I can show my wife that I'm watching my diet.'

Dave figured out if he added green food coloring to his milkshakes everyone just presumed he was drinking a kale smoothie.

Is the safety railing really necessary?

"How to Look, Feel & Sound like Shit"

"One of those 'damn' foreigners will be along soon to carry out your prostate examination!"

That Snake Talks Sense

"I've hidden all the emergency chocolate in the fruit bowl, it'll be quite safe there."

"I'll take a salad, add bacon bits, extra cheese, dressing, and powdered sugar, not lettuce."

'Maybe I give off a little ammonia, but at least I don't smell like people!'

'Motorway services, Full English Breakfast only �350.99p

Midnight Snack