Story Critic T-Shirts

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

BIBLE STORIES, 'This is full of battle and other BOY stuff - not a single romantic comedy!'

'I suspect the cow jumping over the moon is an illusion or swamp gas.'

"And next up, Fairy Tales: FolkLORE or FolkLIES!"

"Bond James, Bond."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Benedict Cumberbatch

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Herman Mankiewicz

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

"I've seem an awful lot of movies ever since they cut them all down to two minutes."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"Now Playing: One of those Jane Austen movies."

'This should be perfect. The main characters fall in love during a series of explosions.'

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

Censors 'no' a good thing when they see it.

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

Men: Hating chick flicks since 1623.

Grimm's Reality Tales.

No, this is the red lagoon, the black one is down the road a bit.

'This is the worst film noir I've ever seen.'

'It was great. I hated it.'

"You had the power to leave all along - just click your heels three times, grab your coat, and sneak out without saying goodbye."

'Hey, Charlie, have we got good news for you!'

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

The Beard in the Stone

The Da Vinci Cod

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

Little Red Riding Carpet

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"