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Stock market news.

"The good news is that the stock market is doing much better."

'What do you mean, I'm not ahead? My account's been open for over five minutes.'

'I'm trading futures in green sheets.'

August is corporate earnings restatement season.

Charging to a 10,000 Dow?

"You're new around here."

The day the stock market went UP.

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

'There's good news and bad news, J. B. - we now control 51% of this corporation's stock!'

'The prevailing wisdom is that markets are always right. I think that luck is always right.'

"Gentlemen, we're missing a great opportunity by not hitching this company to the current tailspin."

'Investment charts can be complicated, son, but that usually means, 'bonuses'.'

Investments - Founders Bear and Bull.

"We've called this special Stocholders meeting because we want all of our stock back."

"Until we get a bigger chart, we're estimating it's now about up to here."

'When investment bankers give parental advice'

"Ed and Helen's portfolio rose 3 point today on Dave's purchase of 100 shares..."

'My interpretation is that it deals with the artist's utter frustration over the scarcity of remaining, reasonable equity values.'

"I hope you're not going to let this I.P.O. affect your grades."

'They say a fool and his money are soon parted. Here's a list of fools. Make it happen.'

"You will be visited by three ghosts - the Ghost of Porfolios Past, The Ghost of Present Positions and the Ghost of Commodities Future."

'Just to let you know the cause of your pain and my advice is Quite Watching Stock Prices Go Up And Down.'

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

"If you really must know, Junior, yes, you were a market correction."

Standard And P****d.

"Most of what I want this year is listed on the Nasdaq."

'We were in the right place at the right time but, unfortunately, we were in the wrong time zone.'

'Mr Rombly has cancelled his appointment. The Dow is up and he's feeling no pain.'

'He'll love this cologne. It has the scent of an undervalued stock.'

'The latest market research shows that men's neckware width is the most accurate indicator of market fluctuations.'

'Get me some shares in public opinion.'

'In the belief that no news is good news, today's financial report has been cancelled.'

'Ferguson here will explain the 'worst case scenario' of Social Security Privatization.'

"Subtracting net cash brings the P/E down to 47, and, finally, crossing out the 4 brings it down to a very reasonable P/E of 7."