Status Skeptic Pillows

"So, you're the mediation expert, huh? So, what does that make you, a big deal or something?"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

'Miss Pym, we've made a smaller loss than last year, order me a much larger desk.'

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'I'm part of the decision-making process... I'm the 'No' part.'

'Last year we increased sales by 100%.'

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

Progress?

'In other words, statistics prove that statisticians aren't always right.'

Coincidence or What?

Low self esteem workshop - 'You missed it. It finished two hours ago, you useless pillock.'

In a career limiting move, Reginald decided to give Albert's latest theory some frank and fearless feedback.

A shrink charges $200 an hour, but double chocolate layer cake is only $19.95.

"Dad, this survey says too much study is bad for you..."

Doing Something About the Weather

Right now my brother Al is paying a psychiatrist a hundred bucks an hour to hear his troubles, while I'm drinking beer and telling you mine at happy hour prices. Obviously, Al IS the crazy one.

Therapy Group For Those Who Are Afraid of Therapy Groups

Door labelled: 'False Economy Analysis & Research.'

"Huh! Never a miracle vaccine when you want one - then three come along at the same time - bloody typical!"

Remember, statistics are in the eye of the manipulator.

"I wish your temperature told the real truth about you."

"Has it ever occurred to you that you might be my trophy husband?"

"Sorry. No refunds."

Alternative Accountants

"Your call and personal data may be monitored for brainwashing purposes."

"Here's a great software update. It lets me delete all the features that I didn't want from the last update."

"Thanks for your input Branston, but I've decided to go with my intution"

'You got the job, the family and now the fancy car. But it's not enough, is it? No, my friend, it's never enough.'

"We also stock non-alcoholic wine" "Why?"

'I'm not coming here again Doctor Melrose. I'd rather talk to my plants.'

2013: psychoanalysis is formally declared a scam.

'I'm what you can't learn at Harvard Business school.'

'I'm not paying $200 per hour for therapy, so you must be the one who's nuts.'

That was refreshing. My long, sad story? No, my nap.

'And just what studies show that losing weight causes global warming?'