Statistician's Delight Pillows

'Research shows that while the number of surfers is somewhat constant over the year, there is a sudden increase in casual bathers over Summer...'

'He's okay otherwise, but I get sick and tired of hearing about his lifetime batting average of .325.'

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

"Let's get married, Miss Harris, and have 2.8 children!"

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

'85.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

'86.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

'15% of Americans don't have chairs in their living rooms, and of that 15%, 73% don't even realize it.'

"36% of our focus group suffered from the side effects, while 14% enjoyed them."

'Looks like the latest crime figures have been stolen.'

'...and as a consequence, you lot all redundant. I'm not making it up.'

Bank Robbery Statistics

'Our crime figures are down!'

"People mistakenly think that we accountants are all boring number crunchers, but the latest figures show that 54% of the 23% of people who responded to a survey were 45% in favour of us being 12% more interesting than average!"

"105% of the staff who completed 84% of the process were 95% sure that it was a 100% waste of time."

'I don't know if you're a mathematician but my wife's not happy with her Poisson distribution.'

"Frankly, Harold, you're beginning to bore everyone with your statistics."

Julius and Isabella Dufferburger, statistically average family with their 2.5 children.

'Number 20 is up. His batting average is 320 and his drug tests are negative.'

'17 of the 23 of the 456 people who returned 76 of the 12 questionnaires thought the statistics were meaningless.'

Those Who Get Off On Not Social Distancing: 87% Celebrities On ZOOM: 83%. "We're All In This Together": 82%

'Well, it's official: The yearly statistics are out and our most common cause of death is by being squashed!'

Economic Errata

"According to this article 98% of the statistics you read in the newspaper are inaccurate."

'According to these statistics you'll probably outlive me...'

'If you look closely at the CAT scan, you can see a tiny area of normal brain activity. Otherwise, he's got nothing but a headful of useless sports statistics.'

"You'll be pleased to know you're making good progress - you've just become a statistic."

'The reminds me. Place your orders for the lunchtime pizza.'

"A preliminary census report indicates that for the first time in our nation's history female anthropologists out-number male professional golfers."

"Study after study shows that more and more people are participating in studies."

'That's one of my earlier pieces.'

"Johnson breaks record so obscure even nerds don't care."

'Yes, there's safety in numbers, but only when the number is large: Tight now, we have only a 50% chance of surviving a deadly attack...'

"So far, decliners outnumber advancers nine to seven."