Starting A New Job As A Critic T-Shirts

"That outfit is a nasty mix of stripes and patterns."

'A depressing thought just came over me. Now we'll have to go out and get a job!'

"Before I read the financial report I have to ask... do any of you have a weapon?"

"No - you’re right. It’s dumb."

The Cremaster Cycle

"...and yet it doesn't quite capture his thoughtful, contemplative side."

"This is an excellent story, Doris, so far."

"This is one of her more important paintings from her early period."

How Patrick Moore chooses a hotel..."Hmmm four stars".

"I call it Distressed Feline."

"I got the promotion. Instead of Wednesdays, I'm now the one who gets blamed when things go wrong on Tuesdays."

"I'd like your honest, unbiased and possibly career-ending opinion on something."

'Hmm. . . no criminal record. I'm concerned you lack commitment.'

'He's really putting that media studies degree to good use.'

"No offense Dad, but is this available on DVD?"

"Welcome to the team, you'll mainly be working from home and just popping into the office every few weeks for a bit of chitchat and bonhomie."

"You could do a lot worse then be good at football... I know... some people have to settle for politics."

'This painting makes no sense. Where are the directions?'

"An interesting selection, Dad, yet essentially a failure-as you can see, I'm still awake."

Time Slavery.

Useful Degrees:"Bachelor of Waitressing

"Not another car chase. That's the last time I let you and the dog pick the video."

The Eurotunnel is bricked up

'Can you adjust the flesh tones?'

"I don't see your Zodiac sign anywhere on your resume."

"A new preacher. He still has that new car smell."

Learning curve: 'Your book was crap!'

Congratulations on your promotion, Bob, but I should tell you that no one has lasted over a month at the Department of What Could Possibly Go Wrong.

"Mommy will hang this on the refrigerator just as soon as you fine-tune the perspective."

The Letters Of Jean-Paul Sartre To His Mother

"Their food is supposed to be fabulous."

"I've learned not to listen to critics who are right about me."

Child's Birthday: 'More junk, I bet!'

"Make me look like more of a people person, you paint-slinging nitwit."

"Of course I understand it. It's just some Grisham potboiler."