Spreadsheet Fanatic Prints

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

"I hate performance review season."

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

"Actual results indicate that the statistical analysis of the data which projections were based on may have been wrong."

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

"I love your optimism."

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

"How is the budget forecast looking?"

'Perkins, you really know to suck the joy out of a 3rd quarter report.'

Re-Tooling Costs - "Could you be a little more precise than umpteen million?"

"What comes after zillion?"

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

Downward arrow on progress chart goes through the floor: 'OK, I know this doesn't look good ...'

Sales Chart Through Ceiling

"Then you just run a VLOOKUP against the Naughty column."

I've checked - it goes down to the basement.

"Will you stop saying 'ouch' every time I cut something out of your budget?"

Macho talk from down in accounting.

"Well in our defence we did get the numbers right they were just in the wrong order!"

Project Manager Showdown

"I hate check writing, but, hey, it pays the bills."

'Lou you have never gotten comfy with spreadsheets, have you?'

Tax Collector

"I'll need some distracting hilarity on the borders of my quarterly report."

'I would like to return this chart. It didn't perform up to our expectations.'

'For people to think we just pluck figures out of THIN AIR is RIDICULOUS, we use a bucket.'

'I'm important to note we really are trying hard.'

"People mistakenly think that we accountants are all boring number crunchers, but the latest figures show that 54% of the 23% of people who responded to a survey were 45% in favour of us being 12% more interesting than average!"

J W D Butterworth chief accountant - Pin-stripes made of numbers