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'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

"I need to see your budget proposal."

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

'These are the end of year figures recollected in tranquility.'

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

"We've done a rigorous examination of your business plan using the latest algorithms to model future profits. . . which way up would you like it?"

Three businessmen using a pulley system to change a graph

'We need to change the introduction to our annual report. What's another word for bankrupt?'

'Like it? I LOVED it! The narrative gripped me from the first sentence and didn't let go until the final, heart-stopping page! And the CHARACTERS! Without question, Harris, this is the finest year-end financial report you've ever written!'

'I'm not comfortable with his method of fixing our balance sheet.'

'Hang on, I've just found another one. It must've fallen down behind the coffee machine.'

Company profit making scheme - Jenkins, you owe us £327.95.

'There it is! I've isolated the origin of the firm's demise.'

'I'm important to note we really are trying hard.'

"We're hoping for an upturn in the 5th quarter."

I can read this audit, but HOW should I read it...What is my MOTIVATION, how do I bring these figures to life,make them sing!... Colin often wondered whether accountancy had been the right career choice for him

'We've always needed an accounting magician.'

"Here - I've no use for spreadsheets where I'm going."

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

"Dunhomin"

It's worse than you think, it goes down to the third floor.

'Once the treasurer has passed out his reports, he will field some questions...'

Innumerate accounts department

"Decide who you are, Wanona, before you buy sheets."

'You can't vote him off, dear - he's the newsreader'

'And this I take it is the bookkeeping department.'

Accountant's Awards - "Our next award is for 'Tax Loophole of the Year'..."

'It's agreed, Members of the board will not take certain aspects of the annual report too personally.'

'Seriously, Earl, if you say you've got a bone to pick with me one more time, I'm out of here.'

'This spreadsheet program has really been enhanced since I installed the Ouija board.'

'Unfortunately, the next big thing on our agenda is our quarterly loss.'