Sommeliers T-Shirts

"Overpriced to astronomical, sir."

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

'Sparky, fetch me an impudent little chardonnay.'

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

'A cheeky red?'

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"It better not be any of that over oaked chardonnay."

"Umm ... not sure what notes you'll detect on your palate, but it'll get you ripped."

The Wine Bottle and the Corkscrew

'My luck, I buy a bottle of wine from 450 B.C. and it's still five years from reaching maturity.'

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

Leaning Wine Bottle of Pisa

'If you're having trouble finding what you want, try our other store--'Cabernet Sauvignons Starting with the Letter B'.'

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

"Our fresh seasonal hand-crafted brews contain a full serving of spring vegetables."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'What wine goes with comfort foods?'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'So it's the Mumm's Cordon Rouge, '98 Pouilly-Fuisse, '86 Chateau Margaux, and the '92 Barsac - would you like any food?'

'Don't let him pick the wine. He thinks Dom Perignon was someone who got knocked off on the Sopranos.'

'As Chuck's definition of terroir dragged past the 20-minute mark, Suzy concluded, the longer the explanation, the less likely you know what the word means.'

'No, you're not calling at a bad time. I'm a professional wine taster - it's alwasys a good time.'

"You have a big check because you had a big wine."

I wish I'd had the review.

'There's something hauntingly familiar about the bouquet.'

"Is Pinot Noir where you want to be?"

"I make it myself!"