Shopping For A New Job Pillows

"What's my collar size?"

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'I have this fear of the real world...'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

The Rubber Ball Company

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

'We manufacture micro computing circuits. We're looking to hire someone who can anticipate the next small thing.'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.'

Good Luck!

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

How are you at decision making?

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'So Kyle - have you considered the challenges of van driving?'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

'A depressing thought just came over me. Now we'll have to go out and get a job!'

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'...we have every new employee spend time on our assembly line. Eight hours, no breaks.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

JOIN THE BOY SCOUTS HERE!, ''Trustworthy, friendly, loyal, helpful, kind, courteous, brave, thrifty, obedient and cheerful' -- This is going to look GREAT on my resume!'

'Think of this as a window of opportunity.'

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'