Self-improvement Junkies Gifts

I am prepared to unveil by brilliant innovation. Is it an MP3 player? It's a self-help book. A simple way for readers to achieve instant happiness. You? What do you know about happiness? You're miserable and you make other people miserable. Wrong! People will get happy or I'll kick their keisters! Uplifting.

Hair transplant.

'Even in the mundane tasks, aim for perfection!'

They hated me.

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"Teach yourself what you don't know you don't know."

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

"Let me slip into something a little more thoughtful."

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

A man sprays his bald head with "Spray Hair" to make it seem as thought he has hair.

"This could be the year someone actually goes up there."

'Believe me, I know transformation isn't easy. I pulled a muscle once.'

What else is there to wish for?

Feedback should be sought for genuine reasons, not because you want compliments. . .

Critisize your weight.

Cat with Lion reflection in mirror

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

'It must be a problem of interpretation. I've read this book DOZENS of times, and I keep winding up here!'

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

"I like you in that one—it gives you an aura of mindfulness."

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

'Meditation centre' 'Coffee, Tea, Enlightment, Refreshments'

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

(Man with 'BEFORE sign): 'My wife says I'm a work-in-progress.'

"...Wow, if Malcolm Gladwell is right, we need to get a cat who's a Virgo ASAP!"

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

Self Help / Elf Help.

Giving Things Up For Lent.

'OK. Lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, get a better job, spend more time with the kids, cut back on the booze, be better with money and buy a speed boat.'

"Albert the Great—what a joke."

"You're a shark! You're a killer! Nothing can stop you! Now get back in that boardroom and apologize."

"Wings will be cool, I guess, but I'm mostly hoping the braces and pimples fall off."