Self-improve-maniacs T-Shirts

"This app alerts me when I'm being selfish, unsocial or temperamental. I need to change my personality, because it alerts me every minute of the day."

They hated me.

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"Teach yourself what you don't know you don't know."

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

"Let me slip into something a little more thoughtful."

A man sprays his bald head with "Spray Hair" to make it seem as thought he has hair.

"This could be the year someone actually goes up there."

'Believe me, I know transformation isn't easy. I pulled a muscle once.'

What else is there to wish for?

Feedback should be sought for genuine reasons, not because you want compliments. . .

Cat with Lion reflection in mirror

Critisize your weight.

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

'It must be a problem of interpretation. I've read this book DOZENS of times, and I keep winding up here!'

"I like you in that one—it gives you an aura of mindfulness."

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

'Meditation centre' 'Coffee, Tea, Enlightment, Refreshments'

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

"...Wow, if Malcolm Gladwell is right, we need to get a cat who's a Virgo ASAP!"

(Man with 'BEFORE sign): 'My wife says I'm a work-in-progress.'

Self Help / Elf Help.

Giving Things Up For Lent.

"You're a shark! You're a killer! Nothing can stop you! Now get back in that boardroom and apologize."

'OK. Lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, get a better job, spend more time with the kids, cut back on the booze, be better with money and buy a speed boat.'

"Albert the Great—what a joke."

"How's the job interviews going?" "Not well. Seems they only want the best and the brightest."

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

"In my class, I'm not interested in grades. I'm interested in you becoming a better person!"